Edward's Truth
by Ariane1126
Summary: Chapter 20 from New Moon from Edward's POV and slightly different. Hope you like it.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon or the characters. All the thanks goes to Stephenie, for her brilliant books.**

Edward's Truth

Edward watched her the whole fourteen hours she slept, never looking anywhere else than her face. He had missed her so much that watching her face forever would not be enough to make up for the agony of not seeing her for so long. He was content with watching, sometimes touching her cheek lightly without waking her. The seven months had been like forever, every day had seem like a century, every second an hour. Not being around her was already unbearable but than hearing she was death, well he truly understood the meaning of the word unbearable after that. He didn't want to leave her side ever again, but his uncertainty was plaguing him. What if she didn't love him anymore? What if he had hurt her too badly? What if she would want him to leave? His thoughts made him frantic with pain and panic, but he wouldn't blame her if that was the case. It would be his rightful punishment. Bella would never have left him, she would never have hurt him this way. Even though he had done it for her own good, it seemed like a feeble excuse now, not nearly solid enough to justify her pain. She stirred, but didn't open her eyes. His arms were around her, his face close to hers. She opened her eyes and gasped. Edward stiffened. He had been afraid for this reaction. She was shaking her head, opening and closing her eyes a few times, like she was making sure she was awake. He stayed perfectly still, waiting for her to be fully awake.

'Edward?' Her tone was light.

'I am here.' He answered quickly.

Her face was confused.

'So all that did really happen.'

He flinched in pain, when he remembered their very near escape in Italy.

'If you mean us almost being massacred in Italy, then yes that did really happen.' He said darkly.

She stared in his face for awhile and suddenly her face broke. It was beaming with happiness. It was difficult to look at, but Edward couldn't dream of looking away from that. She kept staring at him in complete happiness, touching his face with the tips of her fingers, breathing in his scent.

Edward didn't know what to do. He hadn't expected this reaction at all. He stirred just a little bit, but it broke through her stare. Suddenly her expression went from happiness to horror. Edward felt the anxiety go over him just as fast. Her eyes were filling with tears. She turned away from him, staring at the ceiling. It pained Edward more than anything else. He tried to get her to listen, to get the right words, but before he could, she spoke painfully.

'If you are planning to leave again, Edward. Do it now.'

Her voice was barely above a whisper and it was filled with pain. Edward gasped and wasn't able to respond fast enough.

'If you do this to me again, while giving me hope first, I won't survive. You can just as well kill me now yourself.'

The guilt Edward already felt was now crushing him so effectively he couldn't breathe. Beside that was the thought of him killing her so unbearable he could kill himself if it did any good. Tears were flowing freely over her face. She turned herself completely away from him, he could only hear her sobs as evidence of her crying. He had hurt so much more than he had already expected. How could he ever make this right? Right there he vowed that he would do anything, even if it was his last action on this earth, he would always keep trying to make up for this. He would beg her on his knees if it would help only a little bit with the pain he had caused.

'I am so sorry, Bella.' He said carefully.

Her pose went rigid, but she didn't turn around. Her sobs did quiet down a little bit. He quickly continued.

'Believe when I say that I had no idea I was leaving you in this mess. I thought you would be safe. I thought that by leaving you, you could live a safe peaceful life. I feel sick, knowing that you were in all this danger and I wasn't there to protect you. I am the most miserable excuse for a--'

'Stop!'

She turned around to him again and her face was strangely calm, like she was composing herself to do something that pained her, but was determined not to show it.

'You can not do this, Edward. You don't have to take the blame, every time something happens to me. It is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to protect me. You can't let your guilt crush you like this. You can't let it take you to such extremes. It is wrong, think about all the people you are hurting, like Esme, Carlisle and Alice.'

He was completely taken aback for a second with her answer. She actually believed he had gone to Italy, simply because he felt guilty about her supposed death. How could she think that? He understood her composed face now. She was trying to protect him, to make sure he would never do anything like that again. She was letting him off the hook. He couldn't believe it. Was there an end to her goodness and self-sacrificing? Sometimes he wished she was just a little bit more selfish.

'Isabella Marie Swan.' He said with a clear voice, her face went to his immediately. 'Do you believe I went to Italy because I felt guilty?'

He gave her an incredulous look. She stared back confused.

'Well, didn't you?'

'Feel guilty, immensely so.' There was no point in denying that.

'I don't understand.' Her face was even more confused.

He sighed agitated.

'Don't you remember anything I told you?'

'I remember _everything_ you told me.'

He immediately understood what she meant.

'I can not live in a world where you don't exist, Bella.' His voice was calm, sweet.

She looked into his eyes, trying to understand what was true.

'So what?' She asked.

He cringed, she couldn't mean what he thought she meant, could she.

'What do you mean?' He asked anxious.

'So what if I was dead? It would have been my choice, Edward and not your fault or your responsibility.'

Her words pained him immensely. Her life meant everything to him. He was about to say that when he heard her soft whisper.

'You do not want me.'

The tortuous pain in her whisper was almost too much for him.

'It is not true, Bella.' She looked up to him.

'I am a good liar. I have to be.' He hesitated, when her body went rigid again. 'Your life means everything to me. I love you and I have never stopped loving you.'

Tears were flowing over her cheeks again.

'I only told you that, so you would be able to move on. I thought that if you thought I moved on, you would be able to move on as well. Every day I was apart from you I was in agony. I missed you more than my own life.'

She didn't respond, just cried some more.

'But for you to believe me so fast, was excruciating. After all the times that I told you I loved you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?' He shook her gently. 'Bella, what were you thinking?'

She cried some more, but formulated an answer with her broken voice.

'You were so convincing, your face hard, no doubt in your eyes. I remembered I was only human, not even close to your perfection. I could not blame you for thinking I was not good enough for you.'

Edward balled his fists in frustration and Bella flinched away from him in shock.

'Bella, how can you not see what everybody sees. I am not nearly good enough for you. You stand so far above me I can hardly see you.'

She shook her head.

'That is impossible.'

He groaned, frustration so big he could shout.

'I wish you could see through my eyes, Bella. So you can understand how I look at you and how much I love you. So you can feel how much you mean to me.'

He stared straight into her eyes again, letting his frustration slide somewhat.

'Will you please listen when I attempt to put into words how much I need you.' He was pleading now and he would plead a lot more, if that could erase some of the doubt on her face. She listened.

'Before you my life was like a moonless night. There were spots of light and reason, but darkness everywhere else. Then you came into my life and it was like a bright meteor lighting my sky. Suddenly everything made sense and there was happiness and joy. When you disappeared my sky turned dark again, but I was so blinded by the light that I couldn't see the spots of reason anymore, there was nothing left.'

Her tears had stopped and Edward found that a hopeful sign, maybe she started to believe him again.

'Your eyes will adjust.' She said softly.

'That is the problem. They can't.'

'What about your distractions?' Her voice was still full of doubt.

'All part of the lie, love. There were no distractions from the pain and the agony.' He made his voice sincere. 'It was like I left everything that defines me here with you, there was nothing left. I was hollow.'

She nodded understanding.

'It was the same for me. I didn't feel anything anymore, I couldn't care. My heart was gone.' She hesitated. 'The little love I could still feel for my family and friends kept me alive, though barely, like you know better than anybody else.'

He flinched and his expression turned to horror. He couldn't think about that, it was too painful.

'I am sorry.' She said quickly, seeing his face.

That was even more unbearable. If anybody should be apologizing it should be him.

'No, I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you, that I lied to you and that I left you. I am sorry it was a worthless effort and I am sorry I couldn't protect you from my world. I am more sorry than you can imagine. I will never forgive myself. It was the worst mistake of my life.'

She studied his expression carefully. Now that he had her full attention.

'I swear to you, I will never leave you again, Bella. Never!'

Her face was skeptical.

'Don't make me any promises.'

Frustration crept over him again.

'You think I am lying? How can I make you see that I can never leave you again?' He hesitated. 'Fine, I will show you how I feel about you.'

He took her face tightly in his hands and brought his lips to her face, ready to overwhelm her with all his love and passion. She struggled and it confused him. She had never done that before. He ignored it, but her soft pleading voice made him freeze immediately.

'Please, don't.'

New pain flooded his heart.

'Why?' Was the only word he could get over his lips.

She didn't answer, fresh tears on her cheeks again. Edward was suddenly very afraid.

'I need to know why, Bella. In Italy you were hesitant with your touch, but still the same. Is it because I am too late and you have moved on, like I wanted you too. It would be quite…fair. I will not contest your decision or blame you for it. I need to know if I hurt you too much, if you don't love me anymore.'

The last words were so painful for him he could hardly speak them, but he did and he waited anxiously for her answer. Her face was suddenly frantic.

'How can you ask that? I will never stop loving you. My love for you is not even diminished one bit. Whatever you do, Edward. You will always, _always_ have my love.'

His fear disappeared immediately and he didn't understand why he deserved to be loved by her, even after all his mistakes. But it made him immensely happy.

'That is all I needed to hear.' His voice was husky, passionate.

He pressed his lips upon hers and she didn't stop him this time. He kissed her like he had never kissed her before. He had never had to deal with her absence for so long and it was noticeable in the urgency of his kiss. He pulled her body closer, deepening the kiss to overwhelming depths. Her hands went to his face, caressing him and it felt so amazingly good that he didn't understand how he could have ever lived without this. He didn't stop kissing her, touching her face carefully, remembering her soft skin, her warm mouth and her sweet smell. The few times he let go of her mouth to let her breathe, he whispered her name and took her mouth again. He never wanted to stop. She had somehow pulled her blankets away and the full length of her warm body was against his. The feeling was so intense it was almost too much. He whispered her name again, kissing her troth and letting his lips linger on her skin. Her breathing and heartbeat were so far out of control he was afraid of letting her faint. He restrained his passion somewhat. His lips went down over her skin to her collarbone and lower, pressing his ear to her heart. He stayed like that, listening to her heartbeat, the sound he had to miss for so long.


End file.
